I was not myself

Warning: If you do not like reading about suicide, suicidal thoughts or other items of that nature, you may not want to read this post

I lick my lip and immediately regret it. The taste of salt enters my mouth.
My head is throbbing. Why do I always get headaches when I cry?
I have to go outside. I have to breathe.
I stumble out the front door, wondering where to go, what to do. I clutch my stomach feeling slightly queasy . Is it due to the morning sickness or the huge fight we’ve just had?
The world is both dark and blurry. The quiet side street is dimly lit for which I am thankful.
I cross the road and sit on the grass, still heaving with sobs.
Everything feels so dark and desperate. Thoughts fly through my mind, despairing and fearful. I glance down the road toward the busy street, watching the cars zoom by. Without knowing why, I am drawn toward it. I find myself on the corner, deaf from the noise of swiftly passing vehicles, yet everything in my mind seems deathly silent. Still. Waiting.
One jump and it will end.
The headlights grow closer and I feel my body sway slightly forward toward the street, yet my feet won’t move.
“WHY?!?” I shout as the truck passes, knowing my voice can’t be heard.
This time my motions are not without thought. They are painful and purposeful. I make myself turn from the corner and walk back down the quiet road and sit again on the grass. I am still sobbing in spurts and not knowing why everything feels so bad I’d like to die.
Then, I feel it, and it catches me so off gaurd I jump.
“A kick!” I say aloud. It is the first movement I have felt from my first child. I know without a doubt it is the baby.
I smile and then am suddenly struck with horror.
“What did I almost do?” I say aloud again.
I hug my stomach and begin to weep, rocking myself back and forth on the grass.
And then, after a time, I return home to a husband who is worried sick about his wife. And somehow, with my baby’s kick in mind, I find the strength to keep going.

Alright, for those of you who read this, I’d like to give a small history about this incident. I was almost 4 months pregnant with my first child so of course I was dealing with some major hormones but I had also been advised by my doctor that I should stop taking an anti-depressant I was on. I knew nothing about anti-depressants at the time, and this doctor made no mention of weaning.
I don’t even remember what Hubby and I got in a fight about, but he says it was a minor disagreement and was stunned when I simply left the house. Thing’s we’re very muddled in my mind due to going off this med cold turkey. So please, PLEASE always make sure to wean yourself very carefully off of any anti-depressant.

For more SOS posts (likely of a lighter nature) visit Brillig and Kate

Past SOS Posts:
Lucy-Furr
Lucy-Furr, Part II
Lucy-Furr, Part III
Pure Magic

Advertisements