Warning: If you do not like reading about suicide, suicidal thoughts or other items of that nature, you may not want to read this post
I lick my lip and immediately regret it. The taste of salt enters my mouth.
My head is throbbing. Why do I always get headaches when I cry?
I have to go outside. I have to breathe.
I stumble out the front door, wondering where to go, what to do. I clutch my stomach feeling slightly queasy . Is it due to the morning sickness or the huge fight we’ve just had?
The world is both dark and blurry. The quiet side street is dimly lit for which I am thankful.
I cross the road and sit on the grass, still heaving with sobs.
Everything feels so dark and desperate. Thoughts fly through my mind, despairing and fearful. I glance down the road toward the busy street, watching the cars zoom by. Without knowing why, I am drawn toward it. I find myself on the corner, deaf from the noise of swiftly passing vehicles, yet everything in my mind seems deathly silent. Still. Waiting.
One jump and it will end.
The headlights grow closer and I feel my body sway slightly forward toward the street, yet my feet won’t move.
“WHY?!?” I shout as the truck passes, knowing my voice can’t be heard.
This time my motions are not without thought. They are painful and purposeful. I make myself turn from the corner and walk back down the quiet road and sit again on the grass. I am still sobbing in spurts and not knowing why everything feels so bad I’d like to die.
Then, I feel it, and it catches me so off gaurd I jump.
“A kick!” I say aloud. It is the first movement I have felt from my first child. I know without a doubt it is the baby.
I smile and then am suddenly struck with horror.
“What did I almost do?” I say aloud again.
I hug my stomach and begin to weep, rocking myself back and forth on the grass.
And then, after a time, I return home to a husband who is worried sick about his wife. And somehow, with my baby’s kick in mind, I find the strength to keep going.
Alright, for those of you who read this, I’d like to give a small history about this incident. I was almost 4 months pregnant with my first child so of course I was dealing with some major hormones but I had also been advised by my doctor that I should stop taking an anti-depressant I was on. I knew nothing about anti-depressants at the time, and this doctor made no mention of weaning.
I don’t even remember what Hubby and I got in a fight about, but he says it was a minor disagreement and was stunned when I simply left the house. Thing’s we’re very muddled in my mind due to going off this med cold turkey. So please, PLEASE always make sure to wean yourself very carefully off of any anti-depressant.
For more SOS posts (likely of a lighter nature) visit Brillig and Kate
Past SOS Posts:
Lucy-Furr
Lucy-Furr, Part II
Lucy-Furr, Part III
Pure Magic
Wow. That’s intense. I’m glad your baby kicked at that moment and gave you a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s very brave of you to post this and I’m glad you did, I’m sure it will help someone out there.
Bless your heart . . . what an experience . . . I’m glad that you were given that little bit of hope in that baby’s kick . . .
Thank you for sharing that . . . I know it must have been difficult!
Wow. Hormones can do a girl in! Glad you stepped away from the edge.
You are a brave woman. I have had my own bouts with depression and the terror and despair that comes with it. I’m glad you’re still here to write about it and thank you for sharing. I feel honored to read it.
Meds aren’t something to be played with, I wish more doctors realized that. I wonder if you and baby bonded more because of that experience?
What a scary experience! I am glad you are getting the word out.
such riveting writing. really made me feel what you felt. glad you are ok. good message for folks
Wow, Summer. What a powerful, honest story. Thank you for sharing it!
I am sure that the baby kicking right then was a sign from Heaven. I’m so glad your story has a happy ending!
Oh my goodness, Summer, you must be a very strong woman to have gotten through all that. And I had tears at the kick. I remember that first kick SO well. It’s just an amazing experience, isn’t it? Wonderful piece of writing, although I’m so sorry you had to go through this!
Darlin’ I’m glad someone kicked you! Those hormone-induced fogs are bad enough without med side-effects adding to the mix. Glad you know now what was going on, but it doesn’t mean you can’t be caught off guard no matter how smart you are (spoken like one who knows…yes I do!).
Funny how some of our worst moments are also the inspiration for our best writing!
That little baby boy was really taking good care of his mama, for sure! Hormones are hard enough to handle while pregnant without going off medication cold turkey as well. I’m so glad that you realized what was happening, so scary! Hugs…
Wow, that is quite a story. Hormones can really make us do foolish things at times. I also didn’t wean myself off of an anti-depresent, not knowing I was suppose to. Thankfully I did not have any of the strong urdges like you did.
what a powerful post and great warning at the end to other women to be careful when lowering their dosage or just going off of their anti-depressants. some doctors can be negligent about those kinds of things. scary for you. i’m glad your little one kicked at just the right moment!
I had a similar incident when I was about 16 weeks pg with my son, but I wasn’t suicidal, simply planned to leave my husband. I had the car packed, hotel room booked, and was going to drive back to California. I was panicking and hyperveintilating, and changed my mind at the very last minute.
I think I’ll have to go read your past SOSs now – this one is so powerful!
p.s. Sorry I’m late.
Wow summer. I felt and saw every moment of that – like I was sitting right there watching. That was amazingly written and I am so sorry that you had to go through something like that. I had a similar thing happen when an OB refused to start me on anti-depressants for clomid-therapy related depression. I can’t believe that doctor didn’t tell you about tapering – what an awful thing to go through! You’re amazing and thank you for having the courage to share. What perfect timing for that first little kick…